Righted Myself~Heart's on Fire...

I am putting in a disclaimer, right off the bat.  This is not a whinefest, this is no "oh I am a victim" or anything anyone wants to think.  One can feel free to thinketh, just know-it from me I know where I am and also where I was.  If it can help someone so be it.

I wasn't planning on writing a second blog this morning, but upon commenting on one of my teams, it got me to thinking and hence this.

I am peeping out to make a statement:

Creating a Sparkling me  as a goal actually started about 4 years ago not long after I left my last working position.  By trade, I am an artist/poet/speaker who has been going through a gynormous, transforming time over the last 3 years of those 4 years.




I took off on what I called my "adventure" (words can be powerful) after leaving a position that was increasingly debilitating stress, robbing me of all my joy in what I was doing. I will not dwell in the particulars, but I had sense for 2 years prior to departure something was amiss, something was not right.


I was right and I should had listen to my 1st thought, but in typical fashion I did what a lot of women do, I pretended it a'weigh. I worked harder, trying to prove it I had done it better, smiled harder, swallowing putrid stuff more that it would go a'weigh.


It didn't; if anything it escalated.


No need to go into it all or all the people involved; that time is gone all though I had to contend with with the residual that was left behind.


It took a serious toll on my health landing me in the cardiac unit of a hospital.. It was not a heart attack... It was unrelenting stress.  It was not the 1st time I landed in a hospital with the previous time being 8 years prior from a similar situation.


"What was I thinking? Why didn't I "just" leave? How could you not know?" all the battery of "how comes" that people like to sprout with that tone of voice won't be needed. 


 What was, was


  From 2006-to 2007 I put on a lot of weight and it was like nothing I did could stop this train going down hill with no breaks.  I can attest that I was walking a lot, I was indeed mindful of what I was eating.  I did not know at first that cortisol & adrenaline contributed mightily to fat retention.  I was angry, depressed, enraged suppressing a tremendous amount of anger  over circumstance I thought I could manage, that I could control.


So I thought.


I was not managing well and by the time I realize how big I had gotten and my swagger was reduced to a snails pace, my curious bright eyes were dulling and I was fitting into larger and larger clothes actually changing how I dressed to fit into an environment that was hostile to me and did not want me to fit in.  They wanted me gone.


My pride came into play and I refused to let those who were creating the hostile condition to see me sweat to my biggest, no pun intended, regret.


Not letting them see me sweat wasn't the issue, I was not going to be not allowed my dignity in an undignified situation.  While it sounded noble, it took a toll on me.


And then after my 3rd hospital stay as I laid on a operating table as they ran a tube up to my heart to see if I had any blockage and I watch that beautiful heart of mine doing what it needed to do,pumping mightily so I could function, I knew this had to stop.


I was not serving my heart, literally or figuratively, well.  Nor myself.


FYI I had no heart trouble, no heart disease nada..


I have the pictures to prove I have a beautiful mind & a beautiful heart... I'd earned my purple heart

But this had to stop...


So I fled, I left the place, literally & figuratively,that at that time was causing me so much grief.


So I thought...


By early 2010, I was at my heaviest weight 320 lbs sick as I wanted to be.  I never ever thought I would have seen me that heavy... I was a skinny kid, a slender active adult.  People who knew me up close and personal then & now have been amazed how well I look now.  I was amazed how badly I looked then.


But I am getting ahead of myself...


Understand please some of this weight gain had to do with an untreated medical issue that I could not seem to get the necessary help and surgery which could have resolved the issue. Being cut off from everything and everyone was taking its toll as well as losing my income, sense of self and my autonomy.


But stress was a huge, huge part of all of this too...


Instead of doing what I KNEW was the best thing for me, I still again let others decide for me what was good for me and ended up in Oregon instead of where I truly wanted to be with it being the worst mistake ever.  But a silver lining in my being so isolated, it ended up being in one way the best thing happening as it gave me a chance to be still.


I started calling it my forced sabbatical...


I took the time in all the that physical beauty to see deeply inside my heart wrestling with myself.   I needed to really peel away lots of layers of anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, humiliation, grief, longing sighing to see why and how I let this happen. 


Then it dawned on me the why's and hows were no longer relevant...It would have been an exercise in futility.  The external & internal factors were what they were.


And I was not going to beat up on myself...


I had already taken a beating.


Looking into a figurative mirror and ended up feel tenderness for myself. Even before the sabbatical, I had started actively peeling a'weigh layers, blogging, talking, writing, figuring supporting, being supported, researching, talking out loud...


I then got angry and allowed myself to feel anger, then sorrow, then grief and then back to tenderness. Finally I knew I had to do what I had to do.. get out and go!


Run that race,girl!

So I did.

I came home which was a symbolic act.

While my beloved hometown is still going through a transformative time, of readjusting, eliminated what was never useful, trying things out of their collective box with resistance, knowing this has to be done while all the time knowing it would not be easy; knowing that there will always be naysayers that even some of its on citizery will resist is a marvel on to itself. 


 I run parallel with that transformation.  It is still an ongoing work in progress.  I am however at a stage that I am not as easy a pushover any longer.  I have gone through the fire.  I am now approaching the bend with full steam and when I get around this curve look out!


The me today and the me even a year ago are two people. Both are me.  I appreciate my body for caring for me, for holding me up despite it all.


I've gotten back some of my former energy, my humor and the sparkle in my eyes. 


My heart is on fire and I am ready to roll!

Although I am not back yet at my former self & don't want to be that former self!
I get to decide what is best for me and in that there will not be any resentment, hurt, anger betrayals.  No I do not expect life to be perfect, it won't be, but it will be me who gets to decide how I will shape myself.


Right now my "outties" are beginning to catch up with the "innies"...


I am smoothing myself out and so the way is being paved in such a'weigh I can have a life of my choice rather then one that others want to shape for me.


And you know what?


I righted myself... I got right.


I like it like that!




"Dead last finish is greater than Did Not Finish which greatly trumps Did Not Start." ~Unknown

Never saw it coming this Weigh..This Gift

We got a little respite from the cold all week through the weekend so I am taking advantage of it.  Right now I am clearing my house literally as I prepare for this move.


  I just got through re potting some of my plants that are going to a friend who enjoys gardening.  I had to re pot as I wanted to keep my beautiful ceramic pots for a future time.

  I also thinned out some of my veggies in my outside garden.  I now have 3 large container pots of Kohl Rabi.  My green onions are coming up famously as well as the basil, I have not seen the broccoli bloom or bear fruit yet.  I should be able to harvest one more batch of my collards & mustard greens before the whole organic garden is donated to the food bank that graciously assisted me for the last several months. My garden served a purpose for me now that purpose will continued.  I wish I could figure out what to do with my compost.  It is not fully converted yet otherwise I could sack and send it on its way with the containers.


Any suggestions?


I would not have seen things going this way but at least I know it is the gift that will keep on giving!


And I burn some more calories today to boot!


I know I've released some more weight, I do not know how much yet as I do not have scales & I won't be back for my follow up visit with the doctors until the 1st week of January.  It is definite I did as my clothes are hanging off of me so that is a good sign.


Somehow I got off track from my walking which I so enjoyed although I've got movement in over the last month


If it is to be, it is up to me. Author Unknown

Weigh to Hold~ From this day Forward

"No I am not a surrogate mother. I am not pregnant. It is a hernia. It has weighed me down (but not out)!
Moon o her porch needing TLC with hernia-Frontal.
Moon in her garden. It was blazing hot that day so my poor babies were wilting. (Yes I did water them)! 7-28-10
The plants like me needing some TLC

My front porch with the new plants that could use some TLC from Freecyle


Every man is going to have problems & sometimes he can be the problem for you"~N.N



No I am not blogging about men. This is about attitudes and how people that can make assumption that while initially are, I hope, without malice or intent to cause harm, can ultimately harm you.

I've spoken of it numerous times on my blogs of my challenges & frustrations, not so much about releasing weight, but more observational of life & culture and people as I continue to grow myself.

In less then 2 weeks I am schedule to have surgery to repair something that should have been cared for almost 2 years ago, but because of bias on the part of some professionals (and yes educated ones are not exempted from bigotry) access to badly needed surgery was not forthcoming..

I've had to pay for it in compromised health, economical & a wear on my heart & spirit. As of now I am so full literally & figuratively to the point there is no more room.

Literally, right now I am spilling my guts. I have what is a hernia, but it is not "just a hernia". If I was an elephant my abdomen would be right about the 2nd year gestational period for birth. The only thing that is preventing my intestines from spilling all over the floor (which would make an inconvenient mess) is my skin.

I went from an active, happy for the most part, humorous professional artist to someone who is now operating at perhaps on a good day 25% of where I was a few years ago.

All behind something that was fixable then & fixable now.

Over the course of the last 2 years, I've heard it all: People making assumptions about why you are the way you are to outright blaming while you suffer somehow holding you responsible for something that absolutely was not in your control.

Make no mistake, I do not see myself as a victim, so please do not make assumptions.

I have decided from this day forward as I continue to document this process since I 1st developed this hernia that now I will be very public from the surgery to recovery to reclamation to joy.

Despite what people may assume, I KNOW that once this is corrected I can correct all the rest.
I've been working on "the rest" for awhile, but with restriction because of the badly needed operation. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but it has. It did. And it will be cared for.

One cannot unring that bell...

What is a weight issue will be far more manageable then it is now. I've gain 50 pounds simply from the inability to be very active. I have lots of limitations in my activity level right now because of a very real danger to my health until this surgery is done.

The surgery, I kid you not, once done, I will lose two dress sizes simply because of the distension. Several weeks down the pipeline , if all goes well, I will have my energy level back where I can be more physical. I've already been advised by the surgeon NOT to lift anything heavy for several weeks until fully healed & I will take him at his word.

I took these pictures of me the day I saw the surgeon so I can track & monitor my progress. My neighbor was kind enough to do it full frontal and side view. I wanted people to see what I look like. Perhaps for some they will believe me when I say "I'm not fat, I have a hernia" or if I am in a good mood "I am not pregnant, its a hernia".

It won't matter in the long run whether people will believe me or not. I've learned you cannot argue with beliefs. Beliefs are not often based on reality but on a person's attitudes, biases or their life's experiences and has little to do with you.

I just know from this day forward I will not be silent nor will I allow others to mar my life with their beliefs that can potentially cause me harm. I may not be able to stop all of it but I can surely stop a lot of it.

I've been enabled to gather knowledge, to learn a lot of what I did not know and reconfirmed what I knew and now I can put them into my own action plan & my vision statement.

I am in no rush. It is not a competition for me. I expect some missteps and definitely mistakes.

I have already redefine myself while here in eating, health & well being.

I've watched others in their triumphs & joys & also in their setbacks, but continue to get up.

I do not like the word "journey" It is so overused and for me when I see someone using it weigh too often I think "oh oh they are setting themselves up for failure" based on the context they use the word "journey".

But hey if it works for them, so be it.

For me, I am not going anywhere, I am exactly where I need to be.

I will spare you what the hernia looks like in its entirety, so you still will not be able to see all of it, only what is pronounced in clothing which makes it understandable why people assume wrongly I'm just fat.


A part of what is helping me immensely has been gardening. Great for your well being. A great stress reducing. A wonderful group in New Orleans, the New Orleans Food & Farm Network
www.noffn.org has been instrumental in my getting a container garden started. This wonderful group should be investigate and those of you are donors and financial angels should check into this a a cause sending your charitable dollars to aid them to do even more!

Like many non-profits, they are struggling with budget cuts, but wealthy in aid & assisting others to have access to healthy food right at their fingertips which will benefit us all in the long run.

If you are in the New Orleans area you should check them out. In other places you probably have a similar program where there are groups who will help you put in a garden as they believe it is an inalienable right we should all have accessible healthy food that is affordable.

My morning ritual is to tend to the watering, feeding & plucking. It almost puts me in a meditative state & helps me to manage my blood pressure and cope with all the external stress. Having the healthy food is almost the lagniappe ( a little extra) from this. I started gardening again2 years ago when this nightmare.

This morning I acquire because of Free Cycle: www.freecycle.org a potted okra plant, passion flowers, chives and morning glories plus empty pots & a raised bed to transplant. I am like a kid in a candy store!


"Comfort & prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity has. Out of pain & problems has come the sweetest songs & the most gripping stories"~ Billy Graham

Go out & shake a tail feather (and all the jiggly parts)!:Ya, Ya Miz Nicey!

I do not have to be the chubby girl who stands in the back. I CAN be the nice thick grownup woman in the front shaking a tail feather" Nicey Nash, actor & comedianI do not have to be the chubby girl who stands in the back. I CAN be the nice thick grownup woman in the front shaking a tail feather" Nicey Nash, actor & comedian


Unlike Nicey Nash I was not a chubby girl. In fact I was weigh too skinny all the way up into a few years after marriage, but I am cheered & encourage of her embracing her "Jiggkly parts" & working her "thick girl" fattitude.

In no way was she ever say that be unhealthy, simply as she puts it to be healthy & accepting of where she's at.

May many of us embrace and not stand in the back..
Go out & shake a tail feather (and all the jiggly parts)!

5 Secrets of the 5% -

From an article on those who have sccessfully kept their weight off.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=423

1. …Make It Public. Pb;c for yo may simply bea jornal.. You not have to put it in the National Enquirer

2. …Pay Attention. A permanent, healthy lifestyle is created on purpose. OK, I get it.

3. Enjoy Themselves:Make weight loss a positive experience and fun! How we have gotten to see and beleve that if we are not suffering, we are not working hard enough. Don't fall into that lie. Yes, you will work HARD & some days you may have to force yorself to do it, but that is more about attitude. Find an activity that suits your personality!

I am not a fan of being yelled @ so people like Jillian from the Biggest Loser would not work for me. Optimists are proven to reach more goals than pessimists and live healthier, longer lives

4. Make Gradual Changes. I never thought of what I am doing now as my “current lifestyle”, but honestly, now that I think about it, the accumulation of all my bad eating and cooking and shopping habits (with a few good ones thrown in) is indeed a lifestyle. I will spend time building a few small habits at a time, rather than diving into a program that’s totally incompatible with my current lifestyle. I will create a new lifestyle.

5. Allow Themselves To Fail Refuse to beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with sincere,truthful allies with no hidden agendas.
And take the word "failure" out too. Implicaton is self-defeating.

How timely is this?

As I dragged myself out of bed this morning, ,slept well but still feeling a lil funky, my 1st thought was I did "not want to feel another let down day". Why I've been feeling funky is in part the post move let down that typically comes when you moved to a new area, new venture new time.

We hear a lot about (well at least in the movies, motivational speeches in all the wonderful articles about "You can do it! It's your time! All you have to do is take the 1st step!" kind of pep talks but I always wonder why little is spoken of what happens directly after you make the leap. Perhaps that is why when people start their health & wellness program, or sometimes smack dab in the middle of it, or after awhile of success you have a moment of KA-Plunk! when all the pep in your step poops out or despite it all you throw caution to the wind & step off your goals they berate themselves for failing when in actuality you didn't.

But more of you are being human.

Back to my 1st hour of awakening... After getting the newspaper, turning on GMA I checked my email and here was an encouraging email from a supporter who has been exceptional in her own right. Her remarks lifted me and actually inspired this post.The there was reading from Sparks People's Healthy Reflection (see below).

My thought, how timely was this for me...

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
- Martin Luther King Jr.

How Do You React to Setbacks?
When problems come up, how do you react? Do you look for blame, or do shoulder what you can and try to repair it? Do you throw up your hands and look for an easier way, or do you learn, adapt and keep pushing? There's a lot of talk nowadays about 'personal responsibility'. That's great. But it's usually brought up only in finding fault. It's true that to show 'responsibility' is to own up to your role in the problem's cause. We don't often hear about the other side of responsibility--an obligation to be part of the solution. Even when a hardship is not your fault at all, you can--and should--do what you can to fix it. Your skills and abilities create an obligation that only your character can fulfill.

Thanks girlfriend...

Now can we create a model of confidence for ourselves?

Now can we create a model of confidence for ourselves?

Il est maintenant temps, (Now is Time)

I pray I am not stepping on toes here (and if I am hopefully not too hard) but are we "fixer-uppers"? I know I was, once upon a season.

And I wasn't alone. So many women, moi included once upon a time, was or still are that way. It may seem to be more prevalent among women, but lots of me have that "fixer-upper" mentality though they like to call it something else.

And society seems to reward women in some way for grounding themselves into the ground for others even if the fixing was not asked for or welcomed. It may be very telling in your conversation...I knew it had been in mine. Being a fixer-upper isn't always a bad thing or unfavorable Another way it can be is in altruism, philanthropy, being of service, being the confidant, the best girlfriend supportive husband & wife, great parent or wonderful daughter or son. Excellent neighbor..

Where it can become a problem is when you spread yourself so thin what could have been a joy because a pain in the amply endowed added dimensions. And for some it may be quite difficult to extricate oneself for your benefit & sometimes the relief of others. :=) However the good news is the same skills you have to spread yourself "too thin" for other people are the same ones you can utilize for yourself.

Now my discovery:

In the last 3 and really intensely the last 1 1/2 years for me not only did I realize how much I had shrank inside myself. You are reading about a woman who really likes myself, comfortable in my own skin but allowing for my own frailties my humanity, somehow I let outside distractions get the better of me. I had been saying for 3 years "it is time" but not even knowing what the time wiser where "it" was. I kept on saying it although I did not know what it meant for me.

During this time I had 3 reoccurring dreams which I will leave for another time that were so vivid they were palpable. And guess what my resentment, anger & disappointment eased tremendously.

But see now I've jumped ahead of myself...

My anger came from not only from feeling forced to step up to the plate for things that were not my responsibilities, but after all the work, sacrificing time or money, put in, not even a word of thank you. Or when it came time to play or reap the rewards I was pushed aside until I was needed again.

Even all the art, being busy and successful getting a tremendous amount of national public exposure including not once but 3 times solo exhibitions it only served as a distraction for submerging a lot of anger & rage as to how I had been treated. I had been resented not because of who I was but because those who did not want change brought there, resenting the changes brought about though it would benefit all, some in part with my humble contributions.

I also had a lot of anger & hurt at my family who over the 17 years of my career ever took me or my career seriously and not even a mini blurb on Oprah,being published or NBC Today Show or being published ever made them blink.

But now back to this assignment.

I was singled out because people initially thought I would be the most vulnerable & because I had been personally appointed by the lead person.. Subsequently the resentment grew the more I did my job well and brought prestige & attention to the position that the saboteurs had been unable to acquire. And adding fuel to the fire, they could not touch me to fire me as no one could do that but the head person as I only answered to her. So the saboteurs sabotaged me other ways what Maya Angelou calls "pecking to death".

And I swallowed many and indignity because I gave my word to the powers that be. I believed in what we were doing and I believed in my ability to carry out what I was charged to do. In time, over 3 1/2 years I won over some of my naysayer although that had not been my intent, but I thought they begrudgingly had to admire my sincerity & dignity in doing my work (some did) most did not.

I swallowed my way into 75 extra pounds in that time from 2007-....

I woke up one day and the same distance I could walk easily without breaking a sweat I was huffing/ puffing, swollen ankles and sad. Somewhere in all of this I lost me. I put myself on the side of the rode and left me there.

Well my big mistake was I forgot and got comfortable. I convinced myself that things were better although no one else had changed their behavior. If the truth be told I had gotten too comfortable, fearful & frankly lazy to make the stand & make the move. I wanted people to treat me better, but the fact I had tolerated misbehavior for 3 years signal to them something differently.

All the recriminations of why I should have left, why I should not have take even a short term extension did not take a way why I needed to exit out. I came within a month to regret that decision to stay.

Now my pride was in the way. and it became a nightmare to put it mildly. But I was not going to let them bring me down is the lie I told myself... My reward was a hospital stay in a cardiac unit May 2008. It was the end of a culmultive amount of mad major stress although I had not had a heart attack or a stroke.

I have however as a silver lining proof positive that I did indeed have a beautiful mind and a enormous heart filled with love.

If I did not want to face it before, I had to face it then. there is nothing like having a tube stuck up the inner chambers of one's heart to face the piper!

Where I lived my home was situated in such a way that it was physically impossible to avoid day in and day out all the reminders of what pain had been during that stressful time. I could not as long as I lived there, I would not ever have a way to alleviate the anger and the betrayal. I had to get out.. it was time to go. And I did not look back.

Now the present:

If I have a silver lining out of my Oregon "sabbatical" has been if has really forced me to spend a great deal of time by myself and with that see what I was doing and why I also had such a great weight gain from 2006-09. And especially since I've seen such a deterioration of my health in the last year! I mean massive weight gain that morphed taking a life of it's on!

I swallowed, not in literally food, but a lot of anger, indignation sadness hurt & betrayal while convincing myself I was doing the right thing for the right reasons. In actuality, I was doing all the right things for the wrong reasons and I paid for it in my health, weight & peace of mind. When I rebelled last July by 1st leaving NC and now leaving Oregon next month I had declared my own revolution.

In fact I think on this blog one of my entries title was "Talk about a Revolution"... I understand truly I do get it and not ungrateful for coming here. My friend Karen says "God needed to sit you down in a quiet place with no familiar distractions so you can really get down to the core scrubbing out the last of what had been ailing you. Sometimes when there is a cleansing you will get sick before you get better" All this time I've said "Its time" and now I am saying "Now is the Time".

Spending the last year among the natural beauty of Oregon has helped me despite the actions and attitudes of the "2 legged critters". It ended up being a blessing in disguise not being engaged more then absolutely necessary with folks here as I needed a refuge to be still and see inwardly working it outwardly But I also know this is not the place for me on so many levels.

I am sharing this to say sooner or later in one way or the other we will have I pray a moment when it simply is enough and you will be so done it won't be funny. Not because of my experience, because you nor I will be the 1st or the last to have that moment.

Some will resist furiously all the way to the end, others will yield and find their way and yet others will implode. I know and have known there are those who won't get me, others who will not take me seriously, yet others who will try to diminish.

No it is not ok,it will just be what it is and I can let that be. I know whatever those folks do, it is their problem and they will find their own solutions, but I do not need to fix it for them or be a chameleon or have undue stress because they have a problem.

Back in I believe Mar or April I walked away from a lot of things and a lot of people & with the exception of writing in my 2 blogs, from everything I was participating in. I did not plan to. Something welled up and I was through. Done. I had nothing to say to people. It wasn't anything they did any differently nor was I having an epiphany I was just done.

About a month ago very gingerly I returned to some groups to see if I wanted to resume and guess what? No great surprise I did not. I mean I was happy to have checked in and caught up and do plan for time to time but it was not for me. In some cases, I actually felt a tinge of sadness but it was a phantom like sadness like you can look at the memories and smile but it was gone. Some people, things, activities, the weight all served a purpose and I am thankful for that time and the purpose.

I will be 60 next summer and I am not going to enter that decade without being light and I feel very light. Despite this very temporary setback with the hernia & all I am feeling really good and mad happy about this time.

I went back down that road and found where I had left me & bringing me on home... In fact, I will have my "Bringing it on Home" project launched in 2010 after I return back to my hometown of New Orleans in the fall of 2009.

And now I really feel like going to work and create especially when you think I have not done any creative work since Dec 2007! I mean where did the time go? I needed this time for me. I did not plan to take a 2 year hiatus and God knows I could not afford to do it and I struggled trying to force myself to create but my creative heart was not having it!

It has been difficult financially as I had not planned for the world to turn upside down with a recession, nor coming to a place that has chosen not to allow me to be part of the place. However I am grateful now for that exclusion.

I have no desire to bea party of or included anywhere with anybody who does not want me there. Nor do I have to fix it up.

I've said many a time here about liking oneself right where they are.

I do not have to put the fat down,or me down or anyone down in order to be firm and clear as to what I must do. For me to put the fat down means I have to put ME down and I am not having that. Accepting me as I am is simply that and treating myself well at 306, 275 or 200 is to respect me.

I cannot grasp the concept of in order to be serious about weight release I have to treat my body as the enemy. In fact the better I look at myself, the better chance, I feel of not only releasing the weight that is no longer viable but keeping it off.

It is why I say "release" rather then "lose". If you lose something that matters a lot consciously or unconsciously mean sooner or laver you will go looking for it.

Releasing is:To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage...

"You've got it girl and some level you (I think) know you got it (the skills) to do it".

Il est maintenant temps, (Now is Time)

What I say?

"Your behavior will be consistent with your beliefs. If you believe you are a "fat person" instead of just having "excess weight", you will act and behave like a "fat person". Your life is defined by your beliefs, said another way, life has no meaning except the meaning YOU assign to it. Thus..Who are you? Why do you exist? Are you all that you are capable of being? Control your own destiny or someone else will~George Frasier CEO Success Net

I love this quote by Mr.Frasier a decent honorable man, a formidable force in the importance of net working.

If you let, as said by H.David Thoreau: "Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared to our own private opinion. What a person thinks of him/her self, this is what determines or rather dictates their fate".

or as someone I knew years ago who had an issue with others weight "Any one can put a jacket on you, but YOU do not have to WEAR it" makes sense to me.

So often we are focused on way down the road when we reach what we see as the "ideal" weight, we forget on the weigh of several transformation we may have. How well I feel I treat myself has in my opinion, a great deal to do with how successful I will be in the weight release and the substaining of it once I am there!

So I prep now, developing & managing myself far more respectfully and not without zip dee doo dah, delicious, juicy rockin' cool NOW.

As I begin my 59th year today, deliriously excited of what my year will bring and executing my "60 things to do before I turn 60" strategy today, I want to be woke, alert and ready to rock & roll.

I was sent this today:"After enlightenment, the laundry"~Zen Proverb.

So I know there will be work and also days when I will wonder what on earth did I start? But I will look back and remember and keep on stepping!

Ya Ya!

I am loving this written by Paula a fellow Sparker! Please note all words are hers and hers alone but I think you will appreciate the flavor & the passion of which she speaks...

Paula words 8-10-09

Being Fat is the Best thing that ever Happened to Me!

OK I need to make a DISCLAIMER to any of you reading this: I AM NOT SAYING ALL SLENDER PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND INSENSITIVE, nor am I saying that they are all “beeyotches”

But this is aimed at those that cannot imagine ever “allowing themselves to go” or who think the world will end if they were ever scarred in some way.

It’s also aimed at anyone who has ever felt that they should be ashamed of their weight…of felt like the world has no interest in you if you aren’t physically perfect!

OK here we go….

Can I just say I had a revelation this weekend? For most of my adult life I was a slender, fit “pageant girl” the kind many other women looked at with envy.I took my appearance for granted and looked down at those who were less than attractive as “undisciplined, lazy, or at the very least unfortunate” I never realized how cruel and narrow minded me and my fellow skinny friends could be. I will affectionately refer to them and other “never-been-fat, don’t-understand-how-you-let-that-happen-to-you” people in the blog as the beeyotches!(for you older ladies, I know it sounds crass but- it seriously IS used as a term of affection in many cases)

LOL.

This weekend I was at the gym –bloated up with my period and trying to hide under one of my husbands 3xl “moo-moo-on-me-shirts”! I was standing beside the stretch mats and this very friendly woman who probably weighs about 40 or 50 pounds less than me was asking 2 skinny beeyotches (again it IS said with affection!) about their families etc…just being NICE. She was wearing one of those 2 piece workout outfits that have the tight legging style pants and a long line top that looks like a tank but with a built in bra. Yeah she wasn’t the most slender thing on 2 feet but you could tell she had been working hard and was feeling good about herself lumps an all!

After she walked away, the 2 skinny beeyotches started laughing with each other AT her(Ok THAT time it was NOT said affectionately I admit!) One said “someone ought to tell her that spandex is a privilege NOT a right” the other laughed and said “yeah you’d think her mirror would let her know that outfit is NOT her friend”.

I thought to myself “NEITHER ARE EITHER ONE OF YOU!” I sat there stunned at their callousness to someone who had been really sweet to them- and a few things went through my head first was SHAME that “I” had once been a skinny beeyotch just like them!(AGAIN definitely NOT affectionately!)

The second was anger that they could be so mean towards an obviously nice woman who took the time to show them some interest and attention. I also realized I felt a sort of camaraderie with said woman. I realized that by wearing clothing designed by “Omar the tent maker” I was feeding into that mentality the 2 skinny girls had! I was, in a way, condoning the idea that larger women should cover up and be ashamed of their curves…and that basically wearing spandex skivvies for “clothing”(and I use that term VERY loosely) is perfectly fine for young slender girls who should be allowed to flaunt what they have…or actually in this case- what they DON’T have…like cellulite, pooches, bags, rolls and other sundry and assorted lumps.

While I am not saying that being overweight is a good thing- I AM saying that there are too many unrealistically “THIN” role models thrown at all women today….and not enough real healthy ones. So anyone who feels less than perfect should cower beneath expansive clothing to hide their faults….and women, as a whole have bought into this and shamefully tuck under “fat clothes” hoping the rest of the world won’t notice the extra 5, 10 or even 100 pounds we’re trying to hide!

(Admit it..even if you ARE fit, thin and look FABULOUS!- you STILL have a pair of “skinny jeans” that you would never wear when you feel bloated…I had’em…even when I only weighed 117 pounds and was a model myself!)

Today’s women basically live in a self built prison of shame that is exemplified in the clothing we wear…and even more so in the clothing others EXPECT us to wear! The more I thought about it…the more steamed I got that I have basically made myself a prisoner of these narrow and unfair fashion dictates and the underlying prejudices that formed them. I looked at that woman in her tight Spandex and suddenly I admired her chutzpah!

Suddenly the “woman with the pot belly over in the elliptical became a “MOM” whose body had done the amazing feat of childbirth! In fact all the non-perfect people in the gym became amazing people who had accomplished wondrous things- that combined with time had taken a toll on their physical appearance.

A 70 something- year old woman coming out of the sauna met my eyes and gave me a BEAMING smile…and her laugh lines were beautiful! And here I was ashamed and trying to hide under a mountain of clothes!

Never let it be said that I have ever been shy…in fact I have been compared to May West and Bette Midler so many times I lost count. Those are two women who just don’t (pardon this) Give a flying F@(K what ANYONE has ever thought about them! Not only do I admire them- but the entire world did too because THEY loved who and what they were/are and didn’t allow the world to tell them who and what they should be. They were trendsetters and as a result- LEGENDARY!

Now, I am certainly NOT a legend, nor would I even consider myself a trendsetter- But I DO consider myself an independent, intelligent woman. And, even though I need to lose a considerable amount of weight- I am still attractive! I am also EVERY BIT as brash and flamboyant as MAY or BETTE which means I’m pretty much plain spoken.

What I wanted to say to those two unthinking and cruel girls was…ummm…”Less than polite” (LOL) But What I REALLY wanted was to thumb my nose(and all my other oversized body parts ) at those 2 beeyotches!(this time it actually IS an analogy of comparing them to female dogs- I hope the dogs forgive me for wronging them like that!) I thought about it…I wasn’t wearing spandex…but I did have on a sport bra and a somewhat fitted tank under that mongo teeshirt with workout pants…and I WOULD be much more comfortable in less layers...

So, took a deep breath (which lifted my GI-NOR-MOUS boobies to an impressive stature-I must say!) I stood up and lifted my Moo Moo over my head. I stood there , defiantly for a momant ignoring the wave of shame rolling over me at having all my rolls, bumps and pooches on display in my tank and workout pants (not spandex or skin tight- but bad enough!)

As I stood there with the “shame of being less than perfect” and the “Take THAT you skinny Beeyotches!” attitude fighting for supremacy…SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED….a man walked by and WHISTLED! (Ok here is where you picture an interlude break for the Hallelujah Chorus while the sun breaks through the storm clouds and shines directly on MOI!!) lalalala…LALALALALA LAAAAAH!! I felt like singing!

I gave that man a huge smile then proceeded to waddle/prance my way over to the NICE woman in the spandex! I introduced myself not giving a HOOT if my butt looked MONGO…or that my waist was rolling over my pants. Heck I wasn’t even concerned with any spillage that may or not be happening up top on the sides (though that fat-back is something I have to work on-LOL) As we spoke, she confirmed my assessment she was a truly NICE person!

THAT may not sound like much of a revelation to you but if you consider this, “I used to BE those skinny beeyotches” with all their prejudices, lack of compassion and nonexistent insight…my revelation was that being FAT may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me! Because I got FAT- I learned a lesson about understanding that there is more to looks than weight.

I’ve been a skinny beeyotch myself(and still have NUMEROUS friends that qualify as such)…and now I’m a heifer!(My skinny beeyotch friends still love me!)(again that WAS affectionately) I’m MUCH more comfortable in my own skin now than I ever was then! Granted- I need to be healthy and thus I will lose the weight- but I will NEVER have that “ cruel narrow minded mentality” towards those with imperfections again! And ya know what else??? I have a new friend! One who knows that things I have been through, who understands my insecurities and embarrassment and best of all -One won’t talk about me behind my back. We’re meeting to walk tomorrow!

Oh and in regards to the skinny beeyotches both in this blog and elsewhere who wouldn’t want to be seen with an overweight “friend”…Honey- y’all won’t be young forever and one day you’ll understand that your “LOOKS” should be the weakest link in the chain of your “ATTRIBUTES” anyway.

THEN you can be lucky enough to be friends with those of us that don’t CARE if spandex is a right or a privilege…we wear WHAT we want when we want. FAT is only skin deep…MEAN is to the BONE…actually so is UGLY(inside OR out!)…and us heifers can ALWAYS diet!

LMAO!

It's Your Attitude, along with Aptitude,that can make you reach the Altitude of your Goals

Over the last few days I have engaged in a email conversation with a friendly acquaintance as she has gone about starting a new stage in her life by opening up a store servicing plus size women.

I found the last few days somewhat intriguing as reading some of her responses to my comments on presentation, body language & styles she feels would be appropriate for the lagniappe woman ("lagniappe" is a Creole word loosely translated a little bit extra).

I was a little taken aback in some of her attitude of how "most" plus women would hide their bodies, would not wear pretty clothing would want to stick with "timeless clothes" when I question what she saw as timeless mounted to no more then dowdy, boring,cover up the shame i.e fat.

My suggestion to her about having a new "fattitude" a term another woman coined since she felt obese sounded so ominous. I love it "Fattitude"!

My suggestion to my friend was to look up websites that catered to amply endowed women and see that yes women wanted to look good whether they were in the process, thinking about it or wishing to release the weight. Look at their posture their stance. Beating & shaming does not work otherwise we would not have 50% of the population overweight and 30% of that number at the obesity range.

I was yet amazed even more so when her remarks about telling a woman she shouldn't wear XYZ or ABC because how SHE feels, not the woman, should hide away looking dated, dumpy & distressed until the magical day comes when all the weight simply rolls off her body & then now she is good enough to look good.

Please understand this is not criticsm of my acquaintance, she is not very different then many other women. We know what we know even when it maybe distorted.

I simply find those kinds of attitudes self-defeating, has never worked and needs to be re-thought.

Lets face it, by today's standards, Marilyn Monroe would not have the audacity of thinking about putting on a bathing suit let along become this sexy sexy woman who decades after her death men still drool over and women envied her. Marilyn would have been considered far "too big".

We all know plus women comes indifferent sizes and shapes and there is no one size fits all approach.

People who have a higher regard for themselves, not beating up on oneself have a better chance of successfully releasing and keeping off the weight then one who beats up, do or die to "lose" weight. Even the word "lose" weight is a contradiction to me. When you lose something that perhaps means more to you then perhaps it should, who would move hell & high water to "find" it again?

Several years ago I released about 50 pounds and regained them 5 years later. It was a stressful period 2006-09. Funny thing is when the pounds came back, I did not feel ashamed or guilty. I was so busy caught up in what was causing the stress I did not realize the gradual increase in my weight.

I can almost tell you the moment when it hit me like a thunderbolt how weighed down I was. Yet I did not have the energy or wherewithal at that moment in early 2007 to do much at all about it. It took several more months before I made any steps, slow methodical steps to re wrap my brain not yet even my body behind really getting down to the core.

I still believe that shame does not bring change & feeling ashamed was counter productive.

I had to really peel away layers, releasing people, places & things look inwardly, intently & intensely at my whole self. So I went about doing just that BEFORE I even attempted anything else.

I now tend to avoid reading /engaging anything or anyone who has a do or die, either/other approach to hour health weight or well being as it stresses me so I know stress is a huge component for me (no pun intended). I could have never told you I would have seen myself at this size, but ashamed of myself I am not. Without a doubt I should have cared better for myself before, but that is then, this is now.

I know it is probably harder on people who have known me most of my healthier, productive and active life to see me like this who genuinely care about me. Who knows what they are really thinking, the ones who care for me still care for me the others who might be embarrassed or ashamed or repulsed?

Well it stopped mattering to me awhile back.

Whatever length of time it takes is the length of time it takes. In the meantime I will live, go to great lengths to nourish myself mind, body & spirit, cheer other folks on if they want that or be still if I need that too.

I am not doing this to seek anyone's approval or for them to grant me permission to do this.
I want happiness,autonomy & pro activeness to be on my order for each day allowing for moments even when I do not want to or feel like it. And in the process as I've learned here on Sparks and other places, I will be just find during the process of seeing how far I will fly!

Coming to a Fork in the Road~Can I Get a Witness?

A conversation on the difficulty in being our own cheerleader led me write this.

I was amazed how with such candor how many people struggle with giving praise to oneself & easy to another by citing different words (kinder words) to others and harsher ones to themselves... Somehow we've becomed so conditioned to believe if we give ourselves a compliment or praise that we are swelled head, boastful, prideful et al.

Where did we learn that? Should we take pride which in itself not a bad thing when we've done well? Or if we "failed" is it really failure? A favorite adage is "If I did all I could & did not succeed, at least I did not fail". Some do what they've seen or taught. And we are always being taught.

Make no mistake family, friends,associates,community, media you name it have a vested interest in making sure that conditioning continues. So do we... And it does not mean that intent is malovent perhaps when it is family or friends, buv how often have we heard the stories of ones who released weight made their goals and then people's attitude toward us change. And make no mistake, if you think well of yourself it can so rattle some, that they will be bound & invent at times to reduce you to how they see themselves instead of pulling out their own pom-poms.

Don't you let them do it.

And discounting our OWN emotional response to that attitude when all the things we thought should have happened once the weight was released is still there? Weight can be a reaction to a host of other things good bad or indifferent.

A a wise person said to me once when the weight peels off like thin membranes of an onion, what ever it insulated us from will still be there. Peeling away will like the onion bring tears, but it could be cleansing tears of release if we want.

I am a flawed person not always up but then I would need to be on medication :=) if I was way up there all the time. But I store away enough good cheer for myself to lift me up when I don't want to get up. Some already know this about me, I like to use is instead of the word weight "loss" is weight "release". It may seem awkward at 1st, but if you think about it when you lose something that means something to you, how much effort you put into "finding" it? And the weight DID indeed mean something,even if it does not now or matter as much!

So this is for posting your "atta girl" or "atta boy" for shifting the paradigm. If it is uncomfortable or you find yourself feeling you've "failed" how can you change that wording?

Example: I only lost 1 of the 2 pound goal I set, I've failed.

Rephrased: I lost a pound! Whoo Hoo!

Example: Although I said I would walk everyday, I only got in 2 days. I failed"

Rephrased: Maybe my original goal was not attained, but I DID get 2 days in" Whoo Hoo!

Or even looking at your body differently... How about thanking your body for carrying you all these years with whatever weighed you down? How about saying you're welcome when when your body respond with more pep when you nourished it? How about thank your body for breathing for functioning?

See how kind you are in your words to others, substitute YOUR NAME in its place, even if you do not believe it yet! It may sound silly in the beginning & some days may be more of a stretch then others, but you will indeed create new neurons & synapses in your brain, rewiring your thinking.

I did not want believe it at 1st but somewhere unbeknown to me my attitude shifted, 1st in somewhat small, subtle ways then in bigger ones. It takes on an average 30 days to undo and redo.

What will you have to lose?

Oh yeah weight!

A Chinese proverb states "Barn burn down. Now I can see the sky".

Cha cha Changes in Style!

Read full article at http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/stage_3overview.asp


Why is the weight loss industry so successful? Because of two reasons. First, people are desperately searching for answers. Industry insiders know that millions of people want to be told the secrets of weight loss, but don’t believe they can figure it out for themselves.

Second, most programs drop you off at the most critical time: once you’ve seen results. Weight loss without a lifestyle change is a temporary solution. That’s how the industry can thrive on repeat customers.To break out of this cycle and take back control of your health, Stage 3 helps you transition from “dieting” to a “lifestyle change.” The key to making a shift to a new lifestyle is developing the skills and confidence to stand on your own two feet. Listening to a sweaty, spandexed group leader telling you to do 100 lunges is not a lifestyle change.

Crash dieting with water and grapefruit for a wedding in 10 days is not a lifestyle change. On the other hand, knowing how to get yourself up in the morning with a positive outlook - that’s a lifestyle change. Knowing how to forgive yourself for mistakes and steps backward - that’s a lifestyle change. These are things that only you can do.You are your only shot at making a new lifestyle happen.

A lifestyle that relies on other people or programs for motivation and confidence disappears once those sources of inspiration leave (as often happens with typical dieting). If you want to build a new healthy lifestyle that’s around as long as you are, it has to start with self-reliance.Does it mean you have to do everything by yourself? No. Does it mean you need to have all the answers? No. To change your lifestyle, you simply decide to take responsibility for your own weight loss, and then work to make it happen. If you always rely on others for answers and motivation, or for some magic secret, you’re giving up that responsibility and control.

You learn to take responsibility for your health and look inward for solutions. Even while you’re growing closer to other community members and fitness buddies, simply knowing that “I know what I’m doing” is a huge boost. There’s a big difference between wanting input and feeling like you need help.This confidence - this know-how - is what will keep your new lifestyle around for good.This is every bit a “transition” stage. It’s the bridge that carries you from dieting with healthy habits, all the way to spreading the spark to other goals and other people.

Other programs may talk in vague terms about lifestyle, but don’t help you learn how to make the transition in real life.If you can pick up on this transition and make it happen in your life, you many never have to diet again. The Lifestyle Change gives you a chance to learn to live with your collection of new habits. Even more importantly, it also teaches you how to stay motivated and consistent. Persistent motivation, when coupled with your nutrition and fitness know-how, is the key to keeping momentum alive and making it different this time.

The most exciting part of an adventure is the point where you start to break new ground.

Discovering new traditions, seeing something for the first time, enjoying new experiences - these are all thrilling rewards of taking a new journey. The weight loss adventure you’re on right now also includes a time of facing the spine-tingling unknown - and that time is now.One of the first things you’ll notice about Stage 3 is that it doesn’t feel like normal dieting. That’s good! Because you may be doing things in this stage that no diet has ever asked you to do. You may be covering new ground.

From practical and mental strategies to emotional issues, you’ll cover more ground than an African safari.Most likely, you’ll learn something about yourself that you didn’t know before.

The bonus is that the changes you’ll make in the process of an overall lifestyle change will be fundamental transformations that can easily impact life beyond the scale. If you can stay motivated to stay healthy, for example, you’ll know how to stay motivated at work.The key to changing a lifestyle is consistency. The key to consistency is motivation. The key to motivation is to know where to look.

Motivation is the (often) missing piece that drives Stage 3. You can learn all you want about fitness and nutrition, but without self-motivation, that knowledge could end up as useless as a forgotten phone number. Over the past several weeks, you’ve laid a healthy living foundation that has produced results and built several new habits. Now it’s time to take it to the next level and add the motivational finishing touches.

If a lifestyle could change overnight, there’d be no need for the self-help aisle at the bookstore. We’d all be charming, self-employed, well-dressed, organized people living meaningful lives with plenty of chicken soup in our souls. A Lifestyle Change takes some time, but there are deliberate steps you can take right now to make it happen. Continuing to weave healthy habits into your life is one step. Learning how to keep yourself motivated over the long-term is another step.


Just by pursuing your goals, you’ve done more than you realize. Go into this stage knowing that you can do it, while knowing that you may still have some things to learn about personal motivation. Confidence in yourself and in your habits will make a Lifestyle Change a lot easier.

On a practical level, pay attention to your healthy habits. Make sure that they’re still around and regularly check your calorie goals. If you’re committed to making these habits stick, you’re already halfway to a new lifestyle.If you remember anything, remember to be prepared to change more than your gym membership or what’s in your cupboard.

Be ready to change something about yourself or your life that will clear the way to reaching your full potential. (Now, that’s something to get excited about!) Keep an open mind, and most of all, don’t be hard on yourself.

Be your own #1 fan instead. Give yourself permission to be imperfect, but at the same time, give yourself permission to be wonderful.

http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/stage_3overview.asp