Righted Myself~Heart's on Fire...

I am putting in a disclaimer, right off the bat.  This is not a whinefest, this is no "oh I am a victim" or anything anyone wants to think.  One can feel free to thinketh, just know-it from me I know where I am and also where I was.  If it can help someone so be it.

I wasn't planning on writing a second blog this morning, but upon commenting on one of my teams, it got me to thinking and hence this.

I am peeping out to make a statement:

Creating a Sparkling me  as a goal actually started about 4 years ago not long after I left my last working position.  By trade, I am an artist/poet/speaker who has been going through a gynormous, transforming time over the last 3 years of those 4 years.




I took off on what I called my "adventure" (words can be powerful) after leaving a position that was increasingly debilitating stress, robbing me of all my joy in what I was doing. I will not dwell in the particulars, but I had sense for 2 years prior to departure something was amiss, something was not right.


I was right and I should had listen to my 1st thought, but in typical fashion I did what a lot of women do, I pretended it a'weigh. I worked harder, trying to prove it I had done it better, smiled harder, swallowing putrid stuff more that it would go a'weigh.


It didn't; if anything it escalated.


No need to go into it all or all the people involved; that time is gone all though I had to contend with with the residual that was left behind.


It took a serious toll on my health landing me in the cardiac unit of a hospital.. It was not a heart attack... It was unrelenting stress.  It was not the 1st time I landed in a hospital with the previous time being 8 years prior from a similar situation.


"What was I thinking? Why didn't I "just" leave? How could you not know?" all the battery of "how comes" that people like to sprout with that tone of voice won't be needed. 


 What was, was


  From 2006-to 2007 I put on a lot of weight and it was like nothing I did could stop this train going down hill with no breaks.  I can attest that I was walking a lot, I was indeed mindful of what I was eating.  I did not know at first that cortisol & adrenaline contributed mightily to fat retention.  I was angry, depressed, enraged suppressing a tremendous amount of anger  over circumstance I thought I could manage, that I could control.


So I thought.


I was not managing well and by the time I realize how big I had gotten and my swagger was reduced to a snails pace, my curious bright eyes were dulling and I was fitting into larger and larger clothes actually changing how I dressed to fit into an environment that was hostile to me and did not want me to fit in.  They wanted me gone.


My pride came into play and I refused to let those who were creating the hostile condition to see me sweat to my biggest, no pun intended, regret.


Not letting them see me sweat wasn't the issue, I was not going to be not allowed my dignity in an undignified situation.  While it sounded noble, it took a toll on me.


And then after my 3rd hospital stay as I laid on a operating table as they ran a tube up to my heart to see if I had any blockage and I watch that beautiful heart of mine doing what it needed to do,pumping mightily so I could function, I knew this had to stop.


I was not serving my heart, literally or figuratively, well.  Nor myself.


FYI I had no heart trouble, no heart disease nada..


I have the pictures to prove I have a beautiful mind & a beautiful heart... I'd earned my purple heart

But this had to stop...


So I fled, I left the place, literally & figuratively,that at that time was causing me so much grief.


So I thought...


By early 2010, I was at my heaviest weight 320 lbs sick as I wanted to be.  I never ever thought I would have seen me that heavy... I was a skinny kid, a slender active adult.  People who knew me up close and personal then & now have been amazed how well I look now.  I was amazed how badly I looked then.


But I am getting ahead of myself...


Understand please some of this weight gain had to do with an untreated medical issue that I could not seem to get the necessary help and surgery which could have resolved the issue. Being cut off from everything and everyone was taking its toll as well as losing my income, sense of self and my autonomy.


But stress was a huge, huge part of all of this too...


Instead of doing what I KNEW was the best thing for me, I still again let others decide for me what was good for me and ended up in Oregon instead of where I truly wanted to be with it being the worst mistake ever.  But a silver lining in my being so isolated, it ended up being in one way the best thing happening as it gave me a chance to be still.


I started calling it my forced sabbatical...


I took the time in all the that physical beauty to see deeply inside my heart wrestling with myself.   I needed to really peel away lots of layers of anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, humiliation, grief, longing sighing to see why and how I let this happen. 


Then it dawned on me the why's and hows were no longer relevant...It would have been an exercise in futility.  The external & internal factors were what they were.


And I was not going to beat up on myself...


I had already taken a beating.


Looking into a figurative mirror and ended up feel tenderness for myself. Even before the sabbatical, I had started actively peeling a'weigh layers, blogging, talking, writing, figuring supporting, being supported, researching, talking out loud...


I then got angry and allowed myself to feel anger, then sorrow, then grief and then back to tenderness. Finally I knew I had to do what I had to do.. get out and go!


Run that race,girl!

So I did.

I came home which was a symbolic act.

While my beloved hometown is still going through a transformative time, of readjusting, eliminated what was never useful, trying things out of their collective box with resistance, knowing this has to be done while all the time knowing it would not be easy; knowing that there will always be naysayers that even some of its on citizery will resist is a marvel on to itself. 


 I run parallel with that transformation.  It is still an ongoing work in progress.  I am however at a stage that I am not as easy a pushover any longer.  I have gone through the fire.  I am now approaching the bend with full steam and when I get around this curve look out!


The me today and the me even a year ago are two people. Both are me.  I appreciate my body for caring for me, for holding me up despite it all.


I've gotten back some of my former energy, my humor and the sparkle in my eyes. 


My heart is on fire and I am ready to roll!

Although I am not back yet at my former self & don't want to be that former self!
I get to decide what is best for me and in that there will not be any resentment, hurt, anger betrayals.  No I do not expect life to be perfect, it won't be, but it will be me who gets to decide how I will shape myself.


Right now my "outties" are beginning to catch up with the "innies"...


I am smoothing myself out and so the way is being paved in such a'weigh I can have a life of my choice rather then one that others want to shape for me.


And you know what?


I righted myself... I got right.


I like it like that!




"Dead last finish is greater than Did Not Finish which greatly trumps Did Not Start." ~Unknown

"Ism" and Obesity...

Can Racism Lead to Weight Gain?
By Daryl C. Hannah, Diversity Inc.
http://www.diversityinc.com/public/5944.cfm

Can racism--whether real or perceived--be the cause of high obesity rates in Black women? That's what some scientists at the Slone Epidemiology Center at Boston University are suggesting after their eight-year study showed a correlation between perceived racism and weight gains.

"Racism is real and it has real effects," Yvette Cozier, an epidemiologist with Slone, said in an interview. "It can result in real changes in the body."

Cozier and her team monitored 43,000 Black women between the ages 21 and 69 from 1997 through 2005. Scientists grouped the women into four categories based on how frequently they said they experienced racism. The scientists then observed their weight and waist-line fluctuations every two years. At the conclusion of the experiment, all of the women gained weight. But those who said they experienced racism most frequently gained more weight and had the biggest waist lines.

"We are learning more and more about the mind-body connection and the impact of perceptions of discrimination, whether they be large episodes or these micro-insults on a day-to-day basis, including walking down the street and having somebody cross over the street" to avoid you, said Dr. Joseph Betancourt, director of the Disparities Solutions Center at Massachusetts General Hospital, in The Boston Globe. "Discrimination turns into stress, and it can have an incredible impact on the body."


What's the direct link? Slone scientists conclude that heightened stress levels can lead to hormone-level changes, influencing poor food choices. "That makes an association between the stress of racism and weight gain, particularly around the waist, fit with other research in humans and animals," the authors wrote.

Weight discrimination has increasingly become a workplace issue. Because obesity isn't covered under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, weight isn't considered a protected characteristic..

But despite the large number of people impacted, numerous studies have found that overweight and obese people have more difficulty getting hired, earn less and still face being ridiculed on the job. The bottom line: In a society where physical appearance is often subconsciously connected to performance, if you're obese, you're often perceived as not being up to getting the job done.

"We found that the heavier you were, the more likely it was you would submit a worker-compensation claim," Dr. Truls Ostbye, a professor of community and family medicine who coauthored the study, told Diversity Inc.

Read the full article at:

http://www.diversityinc.com/public/5944.cfm

Banana nana bo nana… fee fi fo manna-Bananas

After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression 'going bananas' is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Jo urnal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Jo urnal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape! So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'