Righted Myself~Heart's on Fire...

I am putting in a disclaimer, right off the bat.  This is not a whinefest, this is no "oh I am a victim" or anything anyone wants to think.  One can feel free to thinketh, just know-it from me I know where I am and also where I was.  If it can help someone so be it.

I wasn't planning on writing a second blog this morning, but upon commenting on one of my teams, it got me to thinking and hence this.

I am peeping out to make a statement:

Creating a Sparkling me  as a goal actually started about 4 years ago not long after I left my last working position.  By trade, I am an artist/poet/speaker who has been going through a gynormous, transforming time over the last 3 years of those 4 years.




I took off on what I called my "adventure" (words can be powerful) after leaving a position that was increasingly debilitating stress, robbing me of all my joy in what I was doing. I will not dwell in the particulars, but I had sense for 2 years prior to departure something was amiss, something was not right.


I was right and I should had listen to my 1st thought, but in typical fashion I did what a lot of women do, I pretended it a'weigh. I worked harder, trying to prove it I had done it better, smiled harder, swallowing putrid stuff more that it would go a'weigh.


It didn't; if anything it escalated.


No need to go into it all or all the people involved; that time is gone all though I had to contend with with the residual that was left behind.


It took a serious toll on my health landing me in the cardiac unit of a hospital.. It was not a heart attack... It was unrelenting stress.  It was not the 1st time I landed in a hospital with the previous time being 8 years prior from a similar situation.


"What was I thinking? Why didn't I "just" leave? How could you not know?" all the battery of "how comes" that people like to sprout with that tone of voice won't be needed. 


 What was, was


  From 2006-to 2007 I put on a lot of weight and it was like nothing I did could stop this train going down hill with no breaks.  I can attest that I was walking a lot, I was indeed mindful of what I was eating.  I did not know at first that cortisol & adrenaline contributed mightily to fat retention.  I was angry, depressed, enraged suppressing a tremendous amount of anger  over circumstance I thought I could manage, that I could control.


So I thought.


I was not managing well and by the time I realize how big I had gotten and my swagger was reduced to a snails pace, my curious bright eyes were dulling and I was fitting into larger and larger clothes actually changing how I dressed to fit into an environment that was hostile to me and did not want me to fit in.  They wanted me gone.


My pride came into play and I refused to let those who were creating the hostile condition to see me sweat to my biggest, no pun intended, regret.


Not letting them see me sweat wasn't the issue, I was not going to be not allowed my dignity in an undignified situation.  While it sounded noble, it took a toll on me.


And then after my 3rd hospital stay as I laid on a operating table as they ran a tube up to my heart to see if I had any blockage and I watch that beautiful heart of mine doing what it needed to do,pumping mightily so I could function, I knew this had to stop.


I was not serving my heart, literally or figuratively, well.  Nor myself.


FYI I had no heart trouble, no heart disease nada..


I have the pictures to prove I have a beautiful mind & a beautiful heart... I'd earned my purple heart

But this had to stop...


So I fled, I left the place, literally & figuratively,that at that time was causing me so much grief.


So I thought...


By early 2010, I was at my heaviest weight 320 lbs sick as I wanted to be.  I never ever thought I would have seen me that heavy... I was a skinny kid, a slender active adult.  People who knew me up close and personal then & now have been amazed how well I look now.  I was amazed how badly I looked then.


But I am getting ahead of myself...


Understand please some of this weight gain had to do with an untreated medical issue that I could not seem to get the necessary help and surgery which could have resolved the issue. Being cut off from everything and everyone was taking its toll as well as losing my income, sense of self and my autonomy.


But stress was a huge, huge part of all of this too...


Instead of doing what I KNEW was the best thing for me, I still again let others decide for me what was good for me and ended up in Oregon instead of where I truly wanted to be with it being the worst mistake ever.  But a silver lining in my being so isolated, it ended up being in one way the best thing happening as it gave me a chance to be still.


I started calling it my forced sabbatical...


I took the time in all the that physical beauty to see deeply inside my heart wrestling with myself.   I needed to really peel away lots of layers of anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, humiliation, grief, longing sighing to see why and how I let this happen. 


Then it dawned on me the why's and hows were no longer relevant...It would have been an exercise in futility.  The external & internal factors were what they were.


And I was not going to beat up on myself...


I had already taken a beating.


Looking into a figurative mirror and ended up feel tenderness for myself. Even before the sabbatical, I had started actively peeling a'weigh layers, blogging, talking, writing, figuring supporting, being supported, researching, talking out loud...


I then got angry and allowed myself to feel anger, then sorrow, then grief and then back to tenderness. Finally I knew I had to do what I had to do.. get out and go!


Run that race,girl!

So I did.

I came home which was a symbolic act.

While my beloved hometown is still going through a transformative time, of readjusting, eliminated what was never useful, trying things out of their collective box with resistance, knowing this has to be done while all the time knowing it would not be easy; knowing that there will always be naysayers that even some of its on citizery will resist is a marvel on to itself. 


 I run parallel with that transformation.  It is still an ongoing work in progress.  I am however at a stage that I am not as easy a pushover any longer.  I have gone through the fire.  I am now approaching the bend with full steam and when I get around this curve look out!


The me today and the me even a year ago are two people. Both are me.  I appreciate my body for caring for me, for holding me up despite it all.


I've gotten back some of my former energy, my humor and the sparkle in my eyes. 


My heart is on fire and I am ready to roll!

Although I am not back yet at my former self & don't want to be that former self!
I get to decide what is best for me and in that there will not be any resentment, hurt, anger betrayals.  No I do not expect life to be perfect, it won't be, but it will be me who gets to decide how I will shape myself.


Right now my "outties" are beginning to catch up with the "innies"...


I am smoothing myself out and so the way is being paved in such a'weigh I can have a life of my choice rather then one that others want to shape for me.


And you know what?


I righted myself... I got right.


I like it like that!




"Dead last finish is greater than Did Not Finish which greatly trumps Did Not Start." ~Unknown

I'm Walkin' Yes Indeed...

I thought this is an excellent article until I got to the part that made me say "Oye Vey"...My neighborhood lends itself very nicely to all I need for a walking program except there is no grassy area I can walk on. I do indeed have joint challenges and need a giving surface to not add further distress to my knees. I will have to now search out another way or tread very carefully ...


Choosing a Walking or Running Route:
On the Road to Fitness

By Rebecca Pratt, Staff Writer



Fitness can be incredibly simple. Sometimes, the most effective workouts don't need celebrity spokespeople or a payment plan. Walking and running are excellent ways to stay in shape year-round. These basic workouts are convenient, feasible almost anywhere, and require only a good pair of shoes- all you need is a place to go!Depending on the time of year, as well as your fitness goals, you can map out a route to suit your needs. Some things to consider include:

The Scenic Route

Don’t underestimate the motivation of a scenic route—enjoying your surroundings will make your walk or run more fun, and keep you coming back for more. The variety of changing seasons and new routes are advantages of exercising outdoors, although practical considerations sometimes require some indoor workouts. Some research suggests that simply being outdoors, especially in more "natural" surroundings, has a positive effect on your health.

Look for routes that include green spaces such as parks, woodlands, and the countryside, as well as waterside walks along lakes, rivers, canals and the beach. In cities, look for tree-lined streets with interesting buildings, attractive public open spaces, and low traffic roads. You may even want to use a "promoted route," such as a bike path, that’s been designed for fitness pursuits and displays distance increments for you.

To measure the distance you’ve gone on any route, consider using a pedometer.

Terrain Variety

Keep in mind that the most effective routes for walking/running are those with varied terrain: flat levels for a brisk but steady pace; gentle hills for a challenge; and steep slopes, which are more demanding on the way up and require better balance on the way down. Walking up a hill with 15% slope uses about a third more energy than walking on a flat surface, while walking downhill takes about the same energy as walking on level ground-- unless the hill is very steep, in which case your muscles must work harder to keep your balance.

Ground Surface

Contact with a poor ground surface is one of the five leading causes of injury for outdoor exercisers. The best surfaces for both walking and running are uniform, cushioned surfaces such as grass or loose granular tracks. Uneven, yielding or sticky surfaces, such as rough stony ground, mud, or sand, take more work and concentration, and will likely slow you down, especially if hidden by grass or other vegetation. Especially if you have bone or joint problems, you’ll want to avoid hard surfaces like asphalt, concrete, and rocky gravel. Minimize your risk of injury by wearing good quality shoes with proper cushioning, support, and traction for those slick spots.

Water Stops and Resting Places

When possible plan a route that has water stops: park fountains, spigots outside buildings, neighbor’s hoses, or your own. Consider an "out and back" circuit in your neighborhood that allows you to stop at home for a quick drink, or carry water with you.

On hot, humid days, look for ways to get wet: pass through a sprinkler or splash yourself from a water fountain or tap.Even experienced walkers and runners can sometimes use a rest; novice walkers even more so. Routes with seats, shelters, or café stops may be welcome respites that allow you to re-hydrate before you push on. If you’re working out in hot weather, you may also want to pick a shady route that’s cooler and provides protection from a broiling sun.

Safety

Last but not least, always consider safety. Avoid high-crime or deserted areas, but also look for areas that are not overly congested, either with cars or other types of traffic such as roller-bladers or cyclists. Wear light-colored clothes or reflectors so that drivers can see you, walk or run facing traffic, and use sidewalks whenever possible. Employ the buddy system—especially during the early morning and late evening hours.

Article created on: 3/9/2005

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