Now can we create a model of confidence for ourselves?

Now can we create a model of confidence for ourselves?

Il est maintenant temps, (Now is Time)

I pray I am not stepping on toes here (and if I am hopefully not too hard) but are we "fixer-uppers"? I know I was, once upon a season.

And I wasn't alone. So many women, moi included once upon a time, was or still are that way. It may seem to be more prevalent among women, but lots of me have that "fixer-upper" mentality though they like to call it something else.

And society seems to reward women in some way for grounding themselves into the ground for others even if the fixing was not asked for or welcomed. It may be very telling in your conversation...I knew it had been in mine. Being a fixer-upper isn't always a bad thing or unfavorable Another way it can be is in altruism, philanthropy, being of service, being the confidant, the best girlfriend supportive husband & wife, great parent or wonderful daughter or son. Excellent neighbor..

Where it can become a problem is when you spread yourself so thin what could have been a joy because a pain in the amply endowed added dimensions. And for some it may be quite difficult to extricate oneself for your benefit & sometimes the relief of others. :=) However the good news is the same skills you have to spread yourself "too thin" for other people are the same ones you can utilize for yourself.

Now my discovery:

In the last 3 and really intensely the last 1 1/2 years for me not only did I realize how much I had shrank inside myself. You are reading about a woman who really likes myself, comfortable in my own skin but allowing for my own frailties my humanity, somehow I let outside distractions get the better of me. I had been saying for 3 years "it is time" but not even knowing what the time wiser where "it" was. I kept on saying it although I did not know what it meant for me.

During this time I had 3 reoccurring dreams which I will leave for another time that were so vivid they were palpable. And guess what my resentment, anger & disappointment eased tremendously.

But see now I've jumped ahead of myself...

My anger came from not only from feeling forced to step up to the plate for things that were not my responsibilities, but after all the work, sacrificing time or money, put in, not even a word of thank you. Or when it came time to play or reap the rewards I was pushed aside until I was needed again.

Even all the art, being busy and successful getting a tremendous amount of national public exposure including not once but 3 times solo exhibitions it only served as a distraction for submerging a lot of anger & rage as to how I had been treated. I had been resented not because of who I was but because those who did not want change brought there, resenting the changes brought about though it would benefit all, some in part with my humble contributions.

I also had a lot of anger & hurt at my family who over the 17 years of my career ever took me or my career seriously and not even a mini blurb on Oprah,being published or NBC Today Show or being published ever made them blink.

But now back to this assignment.

I was singled out because people initially thought I would be the most vulnerable & because I had been personally appointed by the lead person.. Subsequently the resentment grew the more I did my job well and brought prestige & attention to the position that the saboteurs had been unable to acquire. And adding fuel to the fire, they could not touch me to fire me as no one could do that but the head person as I only answered to her. So the saboteurs sabotaged me other ways what Maya Angelou calls "pecking to death".

And I swallowed many and indignity because I gave my word to the powers that be. I believed in what we were doing and I believed in my ability to carry out what I was charged to do. In time, over 3 1/2 years I won over some of my naysayer although that had not been my intent, but I thought they begrudgingly had to admire my sincerity & dignity in doing my work (some did) most did not.

I swallowed my way into 75 extra pounds in that time from 2007-....

I woke up one day and the same distance I could walk easily without breaking a sweat I was huffing/ puffing, swollen ankles and sad. Somewhere in all of this I lost me. I put myself on the side of the rode and left me there.

Well my big mistake was I forgot and got comfortable. I convinced myself that things were better although no one else had changed their behavior. If the truth be told I had gotten too comfortable, fearful & frankly lazy to make the stand & make the move. I wanted people to treat me better, but the fact I had tolerated misbehavior for 3 years signal to them something differently.

All the recriminations of why I should have left, why I should not have take even a short term extension did not take a way why I needed to exit out. I came within a month to regret that decision to stay.

Now my pride was in the way. and it became a nightmare to put it mildly. But I was not going to let them bring me down is the lie I told myself... My reward was a hospital stay in a cardiac unit May 2008. It was the end of a culmultive amount of mad major stress although I had not had a heart attack or a stroke.

I have however as a silver lining proof positive that I did indeed have a beautiful mind and a enormous heart filled with love.

If I did not want to face it before, I had to face it then. there is nothing like having a tube stuck up the inner chambers of one's heart to face the piper!

Where I lived my home was situated in such a way that it was physically impossible to avoid day in and day out all the reminders of what pain had been during that stressful time. I could not as long as I lived there, I would not ever have a way to alleviate the anger and the betrayal. I had to get out.. it was time to go. And I did not look back.

Now the present:

If I have a silver lining out of my Oregon "sabbatical" has been if has really forced me to spend a great deal of time by myself and with that see what I was doing and why I also had such a great weight gain from 2006-09. And especially since I've seen such a deterioration of my health in the last year! I mean massive weight gain that morphed taking a life of it's on!

I swallowed, not in literally food, but a lot of anger, indignation sadness hurt & betrayal while convincing myself I was doing the right thing for the right reasons. In actuality, I was doing all the right things for the wrong reasons and I paid for it in my health, weight & peace of mind. When I rebelled last July by 1st leaving NC and now leaving Oregon next month I had declared my own revolution.

In fact I think on this blog one of my entries title was "Talk about a Revolution"... I understand truly I do get it and not ungrateful for coming here. My friend Karen says "God needed to sit you down in a quiet place with no familiar distractions so you can really get down to the core scrubbing out the last of what had been ailing you. Sometimes when there is a cleansing you will get sick before you get better" All this time I've said "Its time" and now I am saying "Now is the Time".

Spending the last year among the natural beauty of Oregon has helped me despite the actions and attitudes of the "2 legged critters". It ended up being a blessing in disguise not being engaged more then absolutely necessary with folks here as I needed a refuge to be still and see inwardly working it outwardly But I also know this is not the place for me on so many levels.

I am sharing this to say sooner or later in one way or the other we will have I pray a moment when it simply is enough and you will be so done it won't be funny. Not because of my experience, because you nor I will be the 1st or the last to have that moment.

Some will resist furiously all the way to the end, others will yield and find their way and yet others will implode. I know and have known there are those who won't get me, others who will not take me seriously, yet others who will try to diminish.

No it is not ok,it will just be what it is and I can let that be. I know whatever those folks do, it is their problem and they will find their own solutions, but I do not need to fix it for them or be a chameleon or have undue stress because they have a problem.

Back in I believe Mar or April I walked away from a lot of things and a lot of people & with the exception of writing in my 2 blogs, from everything I was participating in. I did not plan to. Something welled up and I was through. Done. I had nothing to say to people. It wasn't anything they did any differently nor was I having an epiphany I was just done.

About a month ago very gingerly I returned to some groups to see if I wanted to resume and guess what? No great surprise I did not. I mean I was happy to have checked in and caught up and do plan for time to time but it was not for me. In some cases, I actually felt a tinge of sadness but it was a phantom like sadness like you can look at the memories and smile but it was gone. Some people, things, activities, the weight all served a purpose and I am thankful for that time and the purpose.

I will be 60 next summer and I am not going to enter that decade without being light and I feel very light. Despite this very temporary setback with the hernia & all I am feeling really good and mad happy about this time.

I went back down that road and found where I had left me & bringing me on home... In fact, I will have my "Bringing it on Home" project launched in 2010 after I return back to my hometown of New Orleans in the fall of 2009.

And now I really feel like going to work and create especially when you think I have not done any creative work since Dec 2007! I mean where did the time go? I needed this time for me. I did not plan to take a 2 year hiatus and God knows I could not afford to do it and I struggled trying to force myself to create but my creative heart was not having it!

It has been difficult financially as I had not planned for the world to turn upside down with a recession, nor coming to a place that has chosen not to allow me to be part of the place. However I am grateful now for that exclusion.

I have no desire to bea party of or included anywhere with anybody who does not want me there. Nor do I have to fix it up.

I've said many a time here about liking oneself right where they are.

I do not have to put the fat down,or me down or anyone down in order to be firm and clear as to what I must do. For me to put the fat down means I have to put ME down and I am not having that. Accepting me as I am is simply that and treating myself well at 306, 275 or 200 is to respect me.

I cannot grasp the concept of in order to be serious about weight release I have to treat my body as the enemy. In fact the better I look at myself, the better chance, I feel of not only releasing the weight that is no longer viable but keeping it off.

It is why I say "release" rather then "lose". If you lose something that matters a lot consciously or unconsciously mean sooner or laver you will go looking for it.

Releasing is:To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage...

"You've got it girl and some level you (I think) know you got it (the skills) to do it".

Il est maintenant temps, (Now is Time)