Picture this...

I wanted to do a chronology through the last near 58 years of my life to show to myself what I really looked like when outside folks called me fat versus when I did indeed become fat.

And I can say fat it is not a dirty word nor am I ashamed. All those years people personally was calling me fat was some of the most successful professionallu speak years of my life and these outside people spent more time commenting on my perceived fatness then being celebnratory of my accomplishments!

What I did not realized as I rush from event to event and allocade to cheers was what Dr. Maya Angelou called being pecked to death. And while I did not really comprehend how much the comments hurt i was having so much fun and enjoyment that I would swallow the percing arrows and kept on stepping.

But there came a point when my belly became to full and I crossed the line from being overweight to obesity. It became for me very significan from 2004 until now when the stress and the pressure and the politics literally & physically wore me out. I then stopped caring, thought I was impervious to people's misbehavior when in actuality I was numbed.

I ended up in a place where I was miserable. Trapped in a community in itslef wasn't a bad place if you are used to such a conservative, restrictive, parochial & provencial place and the deprivation of social contacts outside of work with no outlets. I felt like I was in solitary confinement with no opportunity of parole. At first I did not realize how bad it was as I was still traveling but in the last several months it came to a screeching halt.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life almost twice my healthiest weight and i am paying for it.

However in the last couple of months I have been putting forth effort to fisrts become informed, rearranging my eating habits & surprisingly enough from doing a lot of writing.

But the biggest is 2 come in 2 weeks when I am getting out of Dodge. I am putting my things in storage taking the first thing smokin' and moving on.

It seems I have had several things people and circumstances who have seem to conspire to give me grief, but in actuality while none of these people know each other, the common denominator is that they all know me. One by one by one I am been relinquishing their hold on my heart and my life and with that have actually lost weight.

I lost them.

One thing I am not going to do is accept responsibility for others betrayal, but I will indeed accept responsibility for betraying myself. It took me the better part of 6 months to sit in the "bat cave" cutting out most contact to really see what was happening to me and where it came from and what I am going to do about it.

People can believe whatever they want about my words, agree with me or not, for they could always go get their own blog and have at it.

When I look back at my pictures not with a loning of "oh how I wish I looked like that again"...Nah. In someone's eyes somewhere they will see my size healthy as being to big..Because this culture's thinking is skewered. My size healthy would be 200 my optimum weight would be 175 which means I have between 113-138 pounds to relinquish.

My doctor tells me even 50 would make all the difference in the world. I know that I remembered what that felt like. I am fortunate that as of yet I do not have diabetes, my cholesterol need improvement, but not bad . My blood pressure is decent that is as long as I keep stressful, anxiety ridden people and things out of my way.

My goal for the reaining part of 2008 is 50 pounds. I need to have surgery in Dec for a hernia that is distorting my abdomen. I've negelected this too long. And then in 2009 the remaining 63 pounds will be conquored.

Here's to a new place and time for me with no regrets

I will say to anyone I am not ashamed of being fat.

6-29-08