I wasn't planning on writing a second blog this morning, but upon commenting on one of my teams, it got me to thinking and hence this.
I am peeping out to make a statement:
Creating a Sparkling me as a goal actually started about 4 years ago not long after I left my last working position. By trade, I am an artist/poet/speaker who has been going through a gynormous, transforming time over the last 3 years of those 4 years.
I took off on what I called my "adventure" (words can be powerful) after leaving a position that was increasingly debilitating stress, robbing me of all my joy in what I was doing. I will not dwell in the particulars, but I had sense for 2 years prior to departure something was amiss, something was not right.
I was right and I should had listen to my 1st thought, but in typical fashion I did what a lot of women do, I pretended it a'weigh. I worked harder, trying to prove it I had done it better, smiled harder, swallowing putrid stuff more that it would go a'weigh.
It didn't; if anything it escalated.
No need to go into it all or all the people involved; that time is gone all though I had to contend with with the residual that was left behind.
It took a serious toll on my health landing me in the cardiac unit of a hospital.. It was not a heart attack... It was unrelenting stress. It was not the 1st time I landed in a hospital with the previous time being 8 years prior from a similar situation.
"What was I thinking? Why didn't I "just" leave? How could you not know?" all the battery of "how comes" that people like to sprout with that tone of voice won't be needed.
What was, was
From 2006-to 2007 I put on a lot of weight and it was like nothing I did could stop this train going down hill with no breaks. I can attest that I was walking a lot, I was indeed mindful of what I was eating. I did not know at first that cortisol & adrenaline contributed mightily to fat retention. I was angry, depressed, enraged suppressing a tremendous amount of anger over circumstance I thought I could manage, that I could control.
So I thought.
I was not managing well and by the time I realize how big I had gotten and my swagger was reduced to a snails pace, my curious bright eyes were dulling and I was fitting into larger and larger clothes actually changing how I dressed to fit into an environment that was hostile to me and did not want me to fit in. They wanted me gone.
My pride came into play and I refused to let those who were creating the hostile condition to see me sweat to my biggest, no pun intended, regret.
Not letting them see me sweat wasn't the issue, I was not going to be not allowed my dignity in an undignified situation. While it sounded noble, it took a toll on me.
And then after my 3rd hospital stay as I laid on a operating table as they ran a tube up to my heart to see if I had any blockage and I watch that beautiful heart of mine doing what it needed to do,pumping mightily so I could function, I knew this had to stop.
I was not serving my heart, literally or figuratively, well. Nor myself.
FYI I had no heart trouble, no heart disease nada..
I have the pictures to prove I have a beautiful mind & a beautiful heart... I'd earned my purple heart
But this had to stop...
So I fled, I left the place, literally & figuratively,that at that time was causing me so much grief.
So I thought...
By early 2010, I was at my heaviest weight 320 lbs sick as I wanted to be. I never ever thought I would have seen me that heavy... I was a skinny kid, a slender active adult. People who knew me up close and personal then & now have been amazed how well I look now. I was amazed how badly I looked then.
But I am getting ahead of myself...
Understand please some of this weight gain had to do with an untreated medical issue that I could not seem to get the necessary help and surgery which could have resolved the issue. Being cut off from everything and everyone was taking its toll as well as losing my income, sense of self and my autonomy.
But stress was a huge, huge part of all of this too...
Instead of doing what I KNEW was the best thing for me, I still again let others decide for me what was good for me and ended up in Oregon instead of where I truly wanted to be with it being the worst mistake ever. But a silver lining in my being so isolated, it ended up being in one way the best thing happening as it gave me a chance to be still.
I started calling it my forced sabbatical...
I took the time in all the that physical beauty to see deeply inside my heart wrestling with myself. I needed to really peel away lots of layers of anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, humiliation, grief, longing sighing to see why and how I let this happen.
Then it dawned on me the why's and hows were no longer relevant...It would have been an exercise in futility. The external & internal factors were what they were.
And I was not going to beat up on myself...
I had already taken a beating.
Looking into a figurative mirror and ended up feel tenderness for myself. Even before the sabbatical, I had started actively peeling a'weigh layers, blogging, talking, writing, figuring supporting, being supported, researching, talking out loud...
I then got angry and allowed myself to feel anger, then sorrow, then grief and then back to tenderness. Finally I knew I had to do what I had to do.. get out and go!
Run that race,girl!
So I did.
I came home which was a symbolic act.
While my beloved hometown is still going through a transformative time, of readjusting, eliminated what was never useful, trying things out of their collective box with resistance, knowing this has to be done while all the time knowing it would not be easy; knowing that there will always be naysayers that even some of its on citizery will resist is a marvel on to itself.
I run parallel with that transformation. It is still an ongoing work in progress. I am however at a stage that I am not as easy a pushover any longer. I have gone through the fire. I am now approaching the bend with full steam and when I get around this curve look out!
The me today and the me even a year ago are two people. Both are me. I appreciate my body for caring for me, for holding me up despite it all.
I've gotten back some of my former energy, my humor and the sparkle in my eyes.
My heart is on fire and I am ready to roll!
Although I am not back yet at my former self & don't want to be that former self!
I get to decide what is best for me and in that there will not be any resentment, hurt, anger betrayals. No I do not expect life to be perfect, it won't be, but it will be me who gets to decide how I will shape myself.
Right now my "outties" are beginning to catch up with the "innies"...
I am smoothing myself out and so the way is being paved in such a'weigh I can have a life of my choice rather then one that others want to shape for me.
And you know what?
I righted myself... I got right.
I like it like that!
"Dead last finish is greater than Did Not Finish which greatly trumps Did Not Start." ~Unknown
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