Far Left: The largest I have ever been in my life. Mar 2007 age 57
Middle: 2005 age 55
Below:2006 age 56
Top: 2006 age 56
Bottom left 2001 age 51
Yesterday as I was going through photographs proud of myself that I learned a little about cropping, I came across pictures that I wanted to use to see visually when and how my weight escalated and what coincided with the gain.
And I can see easily in 2007 which was the zenith of my weight gain. I also knew what had been transpiring in my life about that time too. Stress level was through the roof as I was swallowing on more the one area a lot of swallowed anger & resentment, frustration from the lack of regard and being diss and dismissed worked to death by folks personally & professionally that in their eyes I had no value. Also during this time I produced some of the best art I had ever done. I purposely have not included 2008 pictures as I am saving that for somethng else. I want to compare it to spring 2009
I saw my income slowly diminshed while my work level, the demands and the disrespect increased and it was weighing me down. Literally & figuratively. I made a decision that even as I agreed to do it, I knew I had made a huge mistake, but I could not slow my mouth down.
SOme part of me whether it was pride, plain stubborness or what, but whatever it was refused to let them people beat me down.
So I thought. It was the lie I told myself because I was indeed being beaten down. I went from an active happy vital woman who was creating lovingly joyously and felt I had impact to one who what had been a job became a chore. I was not sleeping well and the day when I realize my walk had slowed to the gait of an 80year old woman, I knew something was horribly wrong in 2007.
But I kept on making excuses, finding some faux nobilty in why I continue to put up with it all until I landed myself in the May in the cardiac unit of a hospital for a week. But before that happen I had started taeken measured steps to turn things around. Thankfully I did not have a heart attack or a stroke. The MRI. heart Cat and all the test came back showing I had a beautiful mind and a big heart and I had not had a heart attack or a stroke, but the stress had caught up with me and my body was rebelling. But I do believe the changes and adjustments I had put into place may have savedme from having a heart attack or stroke, but I needed to do more, to step things up and that meant I had to take a big step...
I tell you there is nothing like having a tube stuck up your heart to face some hard and real facts. I needed to get out of Dodge!
And I did.
I ran away from "home". The thing was that NC was never home for me. In the 4 years I was there I had formed very limited realtionships. Colleagues who I thought were my friends turned their backs on me. The were people who pretended to be my friends but in actuality was using me for connections to other people and when they thought they got what they wanted I was dumped like 5 day old fish.
There was no way I could pretend or lie to myself that I had to literally run away. Or maybe I should say run to myself.
For the next 4.5 months I was all over the country . Twice. During that time I spent with some absolutely wonderful people, met new people and in the process also had to invite some folks out of my life as their visa had expired. I notice as I did each of these things, a few pounds melted. I had not really noticed because I was on the move.
The people who saw me in July when I feld and resaw me in Nov first thing they comment on was how much weight I had lost. I could not see it, but then a picture I took few weeks later I could clearly see in my face looked thinner. And I looked more rested.
In the travels I got a chance to do something honestly I had bever tried before and that was to eat raw foods. I also have tried a variety of healthy eating, reduced considerably the level of soda I had been consuming to where now it is maybe once a week and I do not miss it (much).
I cannot sit and say I have any interest or desire to become a vegan or a total raw food diet. But I am interested very much so how to incorporate more of it into my life.
But the biggest change is my stress level has decreased and for the first time in a year I actually feel like I want to create again.
I have learned a lot this year, but even more importantly have put several things into action one being that I am in a lovely enviroment which is more condisive toward my having a healthier balance life. Not perfect but far better then where I was.
One of the things I really got was "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there". But ithas to be clear and decisive... One cannot, I cannot wait for someone else to give me the high sign that this is ok for me to do. My judgement or decision making skills cannot be any worse & actually is better because the advantage I have is I know me better then anyone.
Just because some one is blowing air and waving and hollering at you means they really have anything to say that is relevant to you (or to me). Movement is one thing but as this quote state:""Never mistake motion for action."~Ernest Hemingway
So we will see where this will go.
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